Sunday, April 19, 2009

Impaled by a Stilletto: The Britney Spears concert experience

So I have been totally negligent with updating this shit..but i guess nothning too much has happened. Well, Bambi and I did re-start the radio show.. It's called Candy and Bambi in Babeland and its fab.

But we are here to talk about Britney!

We left wayyy too late. The traffic getting out of Seattle wasn't bad but once we got south..it jammed up. But! While in the traffic we saw a rainbow! and not just a little curve of a rainbow, a full goddam arc. i took this as a sign that britney was near.

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While we were stuck in traffic getting closer to the tacoma dome exit, I started looking at the people in the cars around and wondered if they too were on a pilgrimage to see their deity. I started playing a guessing game: "Who's going to see Britney?" Turns out there didn't need to be any guessing involved as it was quite obvious. Criteria: 2 or more girls in a car. Long hair, most likely blonde, sparkly make up. you know where they're going.
I yelled "BRITNEYYY" and gaves the thumbs up to a few cars. They squealed back at me with delight.

So by the time we were re-directed to a different exit, and found parking( hella far away) it was about 20 minutes PAST showtime. but the PussyCat Dolls were the opening act and I don't give a flying fuck about the PCD. But Nayomi and Rachel did so we booked it! We had no idea where we were going.. the guy pointed us up the hill. so we went. and as we got closer we could hear the music booming and we started running up the hill. Nayomi had high heeled boots she couldnt run in so she took them off and ran barefoot up the streets of Tacoma. So picture it. crazy girls, running up the hill, one barefoot, screaming "IT'S ALL FOR BRITNEY!!""WE'RE COMING TO YOU BRITNEY!!"
We finally get our now panting and exhausted asses in there to catch the last 2 PCD songs.
break-rachel and I venture out to buy britney shirts. There's a huge mass of people crowded around the merchandise table. No line, just a solid mass of glitter and hairspray. We wait, work our way up to the front of this cancerous mass, and I am impaled by a stilletto. The girl in front of me is wearing hella spiked stilletto heels. and they're kind worn down so they're sharp around the corners..I'm wearing opened toed flats. The crowd shifts and she steps back onto my toes. it felt great. i couldnt even look down and see my feet though because we were so packed in like sardines. So i just sighed and found the humor in the fact that this would only happen at a britney concert.

Back to the seats. alas, the skin on not one, but two toes is broken and bleeding. but its okay!!

The circus begins with the typical circus fare. Knife jugglers, acrobatics..

Then the lights dim and the screen lights up with this crazed, laughing queer taunting us and teasing us about "Lady Spears". Fat, dramatic queen= Perez Hilton. You cannot hide under that costume and makeup, Perez. I spotted you!

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She descends from the ceiling!!! Sold out Tacoma Dome crowd goes crazyy. She's in a ringleader costume and some kick as leather boots.

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I was so excited I have no recollection of what order she did what songs. but know that it was awesome. She did all the staples: Toxic, Oops, A ..Baby one more time remix, a sick bollywood themed Me against the Music, Radar, Piece of Me..all that.

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Before she sang Freakshow they showed a video of this crazy dungeon-esque S+M shit..people blindfolded, people wearing masks, getting all up on Britney..it was orgasmic. I was watching with my mouth wide open the whole time. Mesmerized. Hella sexual.

Then! she switched it up and goes SENSUAL. For Touch of my Hand, which we all know is about masturbation, she's writhing around on this couch..then blindfolded and these two guys, somehow connected, descend from the ceiling and she uses them as a chair and they lift her up in the air and shes still writhing around, flipping her hair about wildly, while suspended by these two dudes!!

CRAZY SHIT!

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She went soft for a minute with her best known ballad, Everytime. She was lifted up, sitting in the crook of a huge umbrella. It was a very soft and vulnerable moment and I will just say it was lovely.

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Before the end of the show, while she was changing into yet another sweet costume, the screen showed a montage of all she's done in her 10+ years as an enetertainer. Clips of her best videos, outfits, performances. I was in awe. it showed so obviously all she's done, at different stages in her career. Even if you're a non Britney fan. watching this makes her pop culture footprint IRREFUTABLE. Even if you don't like her, you'll recognize the images. The school girl outfit for baby one more time, the red pleather cat suit from Oops, the jeweled nude body suit from Toxic, the quick video of her leaning in for the infamous Britney/Madonna kiss..you can't deny it. Whoever you are, you KNOW those images. You know exactly what they are and who they are. I was just overwhelemed with these feelings of reverence and adoration.

She closed wearing a sexy cop outfit and did Womanizer. Then all the dancers kneeled down in front of her and sparksfell in a circle around them down from the ceiling. It was amazing!!

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And all this confetti was released and i took a piece ! its 100% genuine britney confetti!

[Insert crazed Britney fan photo]

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So basically this was wayy beyond an amazing concert and ventured into spiritual territory for me. Because Britney is a goddess. I think we need to change her title from Princess of Pop to Goddess of pop.

And last notes: any haters who called in to the radio shows the next morning and said the concert wasn't good are NOT REAL BRITNEY FANS. Any true brit fan would have been reveling in the her glory that night and not nit picking about stupid shit. And, NEWSFLASH! Britney lipsynches! You are a dumbass if you expected her not to. Listen, she's not a singer, she's an entertainer. So little of it is about her voice. It's about the dancing, the costumes, the sparks flying from the ceiling, the writhing, the cages, the costumes. It's the persona of Britney that true fans appreciate. If you're looking for a singer go to Christina Aguilera's concerts. and she was doing the dancing and choreography the ENTIRE hour and a half show. Nobody can carry a tune while doing such an aerobic workout. Any big choreography performer would do the same: Madonna, Janet Jackson, whoever.

How can a person remember all that choreography anyway?? ah, Britney.

This girl really did the damn thing. She put in TIME. You could tell because how else could anyone know all that choreography unless they were slaaaving (pun?) away at the dance studio to make it perfect for you. You could tell she put in some major hours too cuz she looked GOOD.

Tonight she made it clear that SHE IS NO JOKE.

It's Britney, Bitch!

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